One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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