did you get engaged???
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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