Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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