Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
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