If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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