I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
being pregnant is like rehab
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
