mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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