Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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