Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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