So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
