please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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