Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
