She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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