my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
