hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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