Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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