I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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