we have pet lesbian snakes
Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
