I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
