Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
