get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Randomize
