I wish they made helmets for livers.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
