He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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