Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
