just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
