I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Just took my morning after pill in the library
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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