You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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