he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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