and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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