i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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