Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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