Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Randomize
