you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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