Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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