rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
