I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
