WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
