i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
