Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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