she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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