Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Randomize
