the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
