Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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