Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
