you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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