Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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