so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
