sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
