There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
