This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
