I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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