I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
